Okay, we’ve held out for a long time, but I suppose that we now have to admit that capitalism might have had a hand in causing this climate kerfuffle. However, we here at Earth Strike™ believe that as usual, only capitalism can save the world (Those damn lefties with their “progressive environmental policies” and “just transition” certainly can’t do it). So in this article we’re going to show you how we can put this infinite economic growth to good use in getting us over some of the obstacles we seem to have built for ourselves.

Carbon emissions:
Okay, so after denying this for decades, it’s kind of embarrassing to admit it but our CO2 emissions are what’s driving the global temperature up. In October 2018, the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) released a report stating that if the global temperature increases exceed 1.5 °C by 2030, there will be a global climate catastrophe. But not to worry, I’ve compiled some of my favourite solutions here.

  • Simple, just buy Teslas! Problem solved. Just don’t think about the cost, the violation of “workers’ rights”, lithium mining, or where the electricity is coming from.
  • Design and build arrays of massive carbon-capture and storage devices. His Imperial Highness Elon Musk of Mars has already issued a challenge for such a design on Twitter. Maybe we could use that newly cleared land used for cattle and cheap palm oil, I’m sure we could just squeeze those cows in a big shed somewhere.
  • Tell the lower classes to make a couple of small changes like changing light bulbs and breeding less (The more blame we can get them to take the better).

Personally, a warming planet seems ideal in that it brings a wine-making climate to Leeds and will eventually bring a bustling tourism industry in Costa del Sunderland.

  • Detonating thermonuclear weapons over the poles to create nuclear winter (See our store for details on Earth Strike™ branded luxury bunkers).
  • Send up more Starlink satellites to shade Earth from the Sun. They’re already starting to render astronomical observation useless so we might as well go for it at this point.
  • Convert wind turbines into giant powered fans to keep the poles cool and the Gulf Stream flowing (not sure what fuel we’ll use but coal will do for now until we think of something better).

Habitat destruction:
Approximately an area the size of 1,500,000 football pitches were deforested in the Amazon Rainforest in 2020, according to the Brazilian Amazon Deforestation Monitoring Programme. On the bright side, we need somewhere to play the Euro 2021 tournament and Europe isn’t looking too healthy at the moment.

  • If they had just budgeted better they wouldn’t have found themselves in this situation, a lack of opposable thumbs or the concept of money isn’t an excuse. If the bees can’t afford the rent then they should pull their fuzzy little socks up.

Rising sea levels:
While I’m fine with losing Florida to the rising oceans and I will jump on the opportunity to buy property in York before it becomes seafront, I doubt even the best PR department could put a positive spin on ⅓ of the world’s population being displaced by a sea level rise of 61cm – 110cm by 2050, as predicted by the IPCC in 2019.

  • Freeze excess water and ship it to the poles to replenish the glaciers.
  • Drink it? Better yet, bottle it and sell it.

There we go, capitalism saves the day once again! So stop worrying about climate change and think of it as a fantastic investment opportunity instead. Thank you for reading and please scroll below for the obligatory adverts, otherwise there was no point in this article.